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Not proud or tired. Wait. Tired. - Barnstorming on an Invisible Segway [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Marissa Lingen

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Not proud or tired. Wait. Tired. [Nov. 2nd, 2011|01:33 pm]
Marissa Lingen
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I will start out by saying I had a really good time at World Fantasy. I start here because I don't want it to be obscured: I had a really good time. I have good friends, I work with good editors, and my friends have interesting friends and acquaintances. So I had a really good time at World Fantasy.

You knew there was a "but" coming, right?

But. One of the things it did is highlight that I am doing worse than I was earlier this year. If I'm honestly with myself--and you--I will say it's kind of a lot worse. There were four nights of convention, and in three out of the four of them I had such a severe energy crash in the evening that I had to go back to my room and get under the covers and stay there. This happened by 9:00 p.m.; after that, I was completely done for the day. I had to use my cane all day on Sunday. I haven't had to use my cane all day in awhile.

I am so very exhausted. I have been doing stuff to try to get to feeling better, and so far that stuff has not resulted in me feeling better but has resulted in the use of time, money, and energy. In kind of large quantities, in fact.

One of the results of this is that I came home from a major convention and trimmed my friendslist instead of adding to it. I feel bad about this, because I don't actually feel differently about those of you I've removed. None of you screwed up. But I'm having to cut to bone here. I'm doing things like putting a ban on baking until after Thanksgiving. That should tell those of you who have been around and know me how low I am feeling on time and energy. No one has offended or upset me recently; that's not what this is about. It's about trying to carve out some space to breathe. It's about trying to be sensible and rest a bit instead of making myself ill and then having to rest.

It's not going to be enough. I know that. But I'm doing what I can here.

More about WFC when I can. I'm going to go rest and then have the workout I need to have in order to be able to get dinner in me.
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Comments:
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From: swan_tower
2011-11-02 06:37 pm (UTC)
I am really sorry to hear that. It was so good to see you, but the cost of it is truly unfortunate. I'll cross my fingers (metaphorically; I don't want to subject you to the typos that would result otherwise) that things start moving in the other direction soon.
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[User Picture]From: shweta_narayan
2011-11-02 06:53 pm (UTC)
oof :(
Best thoughts, and I'm really glad to have gotten to see you. And yes so much to self-care.
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[User Picture]From: wshaffer
2011-11-02 07:05 pm (UTC)
It was really lovely to see you at World Fantasy, and I'm sorry that it was as taxing as it was.

Here's hoping that some of the stuff you're doing to feel better eventually pays off. Or you find some other stuff that pays off. Or, heck, a complete spontaneous remission with no effort on your part would be more than okay by me, actually.

Take care of yourself as best you can.
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From: markiv1111
2011-11-02 07:19 pm (UTC)
I greatly appreciate the fact that you have kept me on your friends list. A lot of the stuff you say really resonates with me, so when I send you sympathy/empathy right here through the Internet, this has a lot to do with my having a good sense of how you are feeling. Hang in there and take care of yourself, as you are doing. Warmth and reassurance.
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[User Picture]From: cathshaffer
2011-11-02 07:25 pm (UTC)
Are you writing this in Minnesotan, or did you translate it to be understandable to overly dramatic Eastern European types? Because if it is written in native Minneotan, based on my limited understanding of the dialect, I should get on a plane and fly to your bedside. At any rate, I am alarmed, saddened, and concerned.
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[User Picture]From: tiger_spot
2011-11-02 08:32 pm (UTC)
Yeah, that.

I really hope some of the stuff results in actual feeling better soon. Baking ban, ay.
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[User Picture]From: aedifica
2011-11-02 07:29 pm (UTC)
The only bit that I can put into the right words right now is this: I am thinking of you with affection.
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[User Picture]From: pnkrokhockeymom
2011-11-02 07:43 pm (UTC)
I am very sorry to hear you're feeling poorly and exhausted. Please please please let me know if there is anything I could do for you long-distance.
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[User Picture]From: mrissa
2011-11-03 12:12 am (UTC)
I can't think of anything, but thanks.
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From: gwynnega
2011-11-02 08:02 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry to hear you're not doing well. It was great to meet you.
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[User Picture]From: jenett
2011-11-02 08:04 pm (UTC)
So very sorry about the exhausted, because, yeah, it is a miserable thing. (And I hate the unpredictability of it, too. Still. Even though I'm currently on a "maybe that's going to stay consistently better than it was for a year" swing.)

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[User Picture]From: roadnotes
2011-11-02 08:30 pm (UTC)
Do what you need to do for your health. (I know you don't need me saying that, but ... just in case you forget, remember that your friends would rather hear less from you at any given time than hear that you've collapsed.)
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[User Picture]From: marydell
2011-11-02 08:40 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry you're not doing well, and I'm sending good thoughts your way. If you'd like me to send something more tangible your way, like a book or a useful action of some kind, I would be happy to, also.
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[User Picture]From: mrissa
2011-11-03 12:13 am (UTC)
I can't think of what that would be, but thank you.
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[User Picture]From: brooksmoses
2011-11-02 08:54 pm (UTC)
Oh, gracious.

That sounds very discouraging. I had the impression that all of this was monotonically getting better and just had some very nearly flat spots in the monotonicity.

I do hope it gets back to improving soon. Let me know if there is anything helpful I can do. I can mail you baked goods!
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[User Picture]From: mrissa
2011-11-03 12:14 am (UTC)
Yah, um, no. Not only was it not monotonically improving, it was not expected to monotonically improve last time I saw you.

Sometimes being closed-mouthed about such things leads to a bad time.
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[User Picture]From: aamcnamara
2011-11-02 09:37 pm (UTC)
I am glad to hear that you had a good time at WFC, and sorry to hear about the "but". I hope that you find that time to breathe.
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[User Picture]From: aamcnamara
2011-11-02 09:37 pm (UTC)
Oh, and I got your postcard--thank you! It was a lovely surprise.
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[User Picture]From: elisem
2011-11-02 09:58 pm (UTC)
I am hanging out here and nodding at you. Don't get up, please -- I can reach the teapot myself. And I brought you a cookie.
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[User Picture]From: mrissa
2011-11-03 12:14 am (UTC)
Is it a chewy ginger cookie with chocolate chips in? I think it is....
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[User Picture]From: apis_mellifera
2011-11-02 10:05 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you're taking care of yourself, dearest M'ris. And I am so very sorry to hear that things are so very not good.
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