Marissa Lingen (mrissa) wrote,
Marissa Lingen

Some stuff I've been mentioning

Here are some things I find myself saying a lot today, so I thought I'd say them here and maybe save some repetitions. Again, the lack of comment space doesn't mean I don't want to talk about this stuff. It means I want to talk about it with individuals instead of groups. My e-mail is on my user info page. Feel free.

1. Today is the 11th anniversary of the tornado.

2. Grandpa died 13 years to the day after his mother, my Gran, died. A few days after that was the 31-year anniversary of my dad's mother's death (Grandma Elaine). When Pastor Kip said something about contemplating deaths in Lent, I leaned over and whispered to my mother that I have gotten about as much contemplation as I can get out of that experience and would opt out in future, given the choice. It turns out the universe is hardly ever inclined to give me the choice.

3. When my grandpa was in the hospital, he was given a medication to which he had an allergic reaction twice (same med). He also developed three secondary infections and had numerous other quality of care issues. He also received excellent care from some of the staff members. "Malpractice" is a very specific legal term, and I want to be clear that I am not alleging that it applies here. Nor do I care to use this space to describe more specifics about people and choices and etc. Ask me on e-mail if you're in Omaha and might find it relevant to your health-care choices or the health-care choices of people you love.

4. The reason my mother and I were not in the room when Grandpa died is that I had to go back to the house to do PT for the stupid vertigo, and somebody had to drive me. Grandma was with him, and so was another of their pastors, John.

5. Grandpa told us that dying felt like he had learned to breathe underwater. I think I will be returning to that over and over again. Grandpa taught many Boy Scouts to be lifeguards over the years. I don't know, but I'll bet he wished for the ability to breathe underwater on more than one occasion. I have lots of memories of swimming with my grandpa into my teens/his late sixties. I think I am very glad that that's the metaphor he got. I know that I'm very glad that my grandfather was a verbal and analytical enough person to be able to figure out the metaphor to tell us.

6. Today is one of the days when I have no focus and no energy. When we were out for brunch at Maria's, I told the waiter that I had changed my minute at the last mind. I should have left my minute where it was and gotten the mango pancake after all, but now I know. I am fixating on small things out of place--a water glass left on a coaster has to go to the dishwasher or the spot where we keep water glasses right away. Etc. I am trying to just be gentle with myself about this.
Tags: grandpa, grief sucks, stupid vertigo
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