Marissa Lingen (mrissa) wrote,
Marissa Lingen
mrissa

Appearance (not mine)

In the last month, I have built up the following gripes and observations about superficial physical choices, many of which I never thought I would have to state in so many words:

1. Lots of light fixtures look like giant breasts. I'm sorry to tell you this, because once you know it, you can't un-know it, and I hadn't made that particular association until this most recent fixture shopping expedition. Still, it gets alarming, especially for those of us to whom "giant boob" is not an appealing decorating scheme.

Despite this problem, we managed to find a (non-mammary) light fixture for in the kitchen to replace the one that was a fire hazard, and markgritter did the work yesterday evening, so now we can eat at the kitchen table and not worry about flaming wreckage. (We never actually had flaming wreckage. But y'know. We're the kind of people who think about these things.)

2. I have always hated our master bathroom. It has a harvest gold sink and a harvest gold toilet. There was just no call for that. And it always made me a little uneasy to look at the edges where the sink joined up with the countertop or the toilet hit the tile. I was looking at paint swatches to make the room a pale gold, and now I know why it made me uneasy: the sink and toilet don't actually match the tile and counter. The pale gold that would go with the one is not the pale gold that would go with the other. They are one shade off. markgritter said he couldn't really see the difference, but I can, and it bugs me. It does not, however, bug me enough to go buy a new sink and toilet this afternoon.

3. Teenage boys of the greater Twin Cities metro area: growing sideburns will not make you into Joe Mauer. It will not even make you look like Joe Mauer. Trust me here. If your girlfriend said it would, she is drunk on the power that being the girlfriend of a teenage boy can bring. Also, if you do decide to go with the sideburn things, please recall that sideburns do not extend to your jawline. Those are muttonchops, and they're shaped somewhat differently when done well (which is rare). Also, if you are a fair-skinned blond teenage boy, might I suggest that Morneau is the Twin you should be emulating? There is a reason fair-skinned blonds who have not yet reached prime facial hair growing years are not famous for their sideburns. Really. (This is related to the Dread Rule: if you can't think of anyone of your ethnicity or combination of ethnicities who has appealing dreadlocks, maybe you should think, "There's a lesson in this," rather than, "I will be first! I will be the Norse Dread Pioneer!" I'm not sorry to be Scandosotan, but it has some limitations we all need to be aware of, and one of those is that very, very few people of solely Scandinavian descent have hair that will make non-pathetic dreadlocks. Also the only chance many of us have at "a good tan" is if our freckles join up. Also we make poor prima ballerinas due to having shoulders like musk oxen. I am sorry to crush the rosy girlish dreams of anyone reading this, but the world can be a harsh place; best to be prepared.)

4. Large men: everyone has different patterns of putting on weight. If you are a small-chinned person who essentially gets a bigger and bigger neck until you have a head-sized neck, I'm sorry to hear it. But deliberately and obviously shaving a goatee into your facial hair will not create the illusion of a chin. It will simply point out that the goatee-point is hovering in mid-face. This is not generally a plus.

5. "Just throw a belt over it; it'll look fine" does not solve wardrobe problems involving garments being more than two sizes too large. If you've lost a lot of weight recently, of course you might not be able to afford to buy new clothes right away and in large quantities. Just recognize that what you're doing is a stopgap solution rather than a fabulous sartorial statement.

6. Eyebrows are your friends. Pluck away, but sparingly. You need to have a neutral facial expression at your disposal -- "stunned" should not be the face the teller gets at the bank or the baker at the grocery store. When we talk about going through the world in a state of childlike wonder, we do not mean that you should let your eyebrows lead the way.
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