1. Due to Undefined Cosmic Circumstances, you must entertain either Pat Robertson or Pope Benedict XVI as a dinner guest. Whom do you choose, and what do you serve him?
I suppose it's not fair to choose Pat Robertson and arsenic, is it? Well, you have your Undefined Cosmic Circumstances, and I have mine.
Seriously, there's almost nobody I would kill unless directly provoked, very few people I wouldn't try to save from death unless directly provoked. But I have very little preference between Pat Robertson and Pope Benedict XVI. I would probably serve either one company chicken and salads, because that's what I serve people when I don't know what else to make. I'd like to think I'd rise to the occasion, but I'd probably start blessing all kinds of people while we were saying grace, just to set them off.
(Sometimes when I take communion, I gloat about the people who have to be Body of Christ with me against their will. James Dobson is a big one that way. This is because I am Not A Good Christian. "We are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord," and there ain't nothin' you can do about it, suckahs. Ahem. Sorry. But it was a great theological revelation for me to realize that the Body of Christ has AIDS, has diabetes, has cancer, has everything. The Body of Christ is gay, is bi, is straight, is asexual, is not sure, is sure of something rather more complicated than any of that. Because you can't say, "Oh, well, I'm not bi, my right thumb is bi." Doesn't work that way. So as long as people like James Dobson and the aforementioned worthies of Undefined Cosmic Circumstances keep taking communion, they're part of being transsexual lesbians and unwed mothers and the whole mess of the rest of us who also take communion. Neener neener.)
2. Due to yet more Undefined Cosmic Circumstances, you must dispose of all the clothes you own except for five items. What five items do you keep?
Dark purple bra, because how often do you find a pretty bra that's actually functional and supportive?
...Shoes don't count as clothes, right? Because, look, if you count socks as one garment, I'm wearing five garments right now, and I could be publicly comfortable in two or three, maybe, unless I had to go outside, but five is an awfully small number.
Random panties, probably the newest ones. Yes, this tells you that I wear underwear. Please do not be alarmed. When I was in early high school, one of my female friends did not want to be seen going into Victoria's Secret with me. "What will people think?" she squeaked. "They'll think you wear underwear," I said. "Do you want them to think you don't wear underwear?" That question really annoyed her for some strange and unfathomable reason.
Black dress with bell sleeves
Second-best patterned tights, with what lydy says is the pineapple pattern, because the best ones got a run in them last time I wore them
And, assuming I don't have to go outside so I don't need my coat, the heirloom shirt, the fawn-colored sueded-polyester tunic-y thing that's exactly like the ones my mom used to wear at my age, and since polyester wears like iron, we will try to save this one in case the next one wants it.
3. Do you think ocean-sloshing-on-shore sounds different from lake-sloshing-on-shore?
It depends on the lake and the ocean. I think this lake/sea distinction is very confusing. Why is the Great Salt Lake a lake? It's salty. It's big. It's better-defined than many seas. (I suppose that may be it: definition may not be a strong point in seas.) Anyway, Superior and the Atlantic or Pacific sound a good deal more alike than either of them sounds like the lake where I walk the dog. I don't think lake vs. ocean is the right division here.
4. You can pick any one item from Car Talk's "Shameless Commerce Division" (at www.cartalk.com). What do you pick today, and why?
Oh, thanks a lot; I never had to even sort of care about anything Car Talk-related before, and now I have to go look.
...Why on earth would I want any of that stuff? Look, I'll take one of the T-shirts, so I have something to sleep in now that Undefined Cosmic Circumstances have taken the rest of my clothes away. I'm pretty cranky with Undefined Cosmic Circumstances right now. They could have given me a million bucks or sent me to Fiji or something, and instead they leave me worrying what the Pope is going to think of my tights and whether I'm going to be able to convince him to pick up the mail on his way in so I don't have to go out without a coat. And he'd better not think he's staying in the guest room, because markgritter is only home for two days and certainly has better things to do than clean his work stuff off the guest bed.
5. I knew a guy named Sami when I was in college who was the first Baha'i I ever met. On a scale of 1 to 10, how shameful is it that the Saami and Baha'is are now forever linked in my mind?
I'd call that an 8. It's pretty shameful, but on the other hand, it's not like you're genuinely confused on this point. And it's not like you think tyrannosaurs eat their spaghetti with their hind legs, after all.
...Right. Longish story, that one, and probably not worth it tonight.