April 24th, 2010

good mris pic

What I Want On TV, Part N of X

So timprov and I were talking about the possibility of a San Francisco spin-off of Criminal Minds, and how stupid it would be because the BAU goes everywhere. And I decided what I really want instead! timprov thinks it's a good idea that would not work in the least with anybody working in television right now, but since they don't call me up to ask anyway, I don't have to worry about that. What I want is:

Criminal Minds: Vienna or Criminal Alienists. It's not set in 2010. It's set in 1910! And so this whole psychology thing is really cutting-edge scary science stuff. The ethnic minority team member (yah, I once thought we could have more than one, too, but that was before they replaced Brunette with Brunette and Middle-Aged White Guy with Middle-Aged White Guy) is Romany, and nobody knows that the J.J. character is secretly an Emma Goldman-style anarchist. (Except the Reid character. He knows but doesn't say anything.) The Garcia character runs their train car full of interesting machines, and her hand on the telegraph is so fast and precise it has to be heard to be believed. And they dash about Central Europe solving murders! And if the show lasts more than three years there is WWI to contend with! Awesome, no? Yes. Awesome.

Also, after having watched the pilot of In Plain Sight, which was incredibly paint-by-numbers, I have decided that I am tired of cop heroines who are Tough But Vulnerable, and I want some who are Tough But...Also Tough. I am sick unto death of heroines who are being trotted out to cry on cue as if they're on Oprah, all because the writers don't trust us to see that people have more emotions than they show to their co-workers on a daily basis. Bah. I say again: bah.

So then in my head Geena Davis was doing this scene, and the new guy cop was trying to assure her that he was sensitive to how much harder it could be for her as a woman. She raises her voice and says to the other cops, "Skippy here says he feels my womanly pain on this job." They laugh. She says, "There are two choices here. One is that I am really just a hardass cop like those other hardass cops, and you have just gotten on my last damn nerve. The other is that this is a facade I put up so I can deal with the tough cases, and you've just stepped on my coping mechanism in the middle of a case. Either way, not smart. Oh wait, I forgot the third option." And then she leans in completely straight-faced and says, "I'm Batman."

So really the question remaining is: is Geena Davis really Batman? Because I could also see Jane Lynch doing this one (and possibly being Batman, not sure). Addressing young men as Skippy seems like it would work for either of them. Anyway I want the Tough But Also Tough heroine to have a similarly Tough best friend--maybe it's a show about both of them. Okay, I like this. One is a cop and the other is an emergency department pediatrician. And neither one of them is the sweet vulnerable one, because: emergency peds, seriously, not for the "but I weep like a little girl" personality. And periodically somebody says to one of them, "I could never do what you do," and the reply is always, "No, probably not." And they have a third, much nicer friend, who has strengths of her own, but they are not her. Yah. That.

Also nobody would ever get stuck on a plane. In the Criminal Alienists show, they wouldn't even get stuck on a dirigible. Because I am so far over the stuck-onna-plane plot that it looks like an ant from here. An ant I could squish with my stompy boot, and would like to. Seriously, TV writers. Make a note. Stuck-onna-plane and stuck-innan-elevator are Intro Creative Writing plots. They say, "Help! I want to do character and don't know how to do plot!" Learn how, or get comfortable with not being very plotty--your call, just don't keep giving me onna-plane, because I am done.