Marissa Lingen (mrissa) wrote,
Marissa Lingen

Open letters to obnoxious drivers on I80 and I35

Dear Sirs:

I am rather small, rather femmey, and decidedly female. I drive a little white Saturn. For some of the drive when you were behaving most obnoxiously, I was singing along with Liz Phair tunes in my soft folky alto.

I submit to you, therefore, that I have entirely conceded any contest of manliness, and that you may consider yourselves the victors and go home in the warm fuzzy glow of your manliness without revving the engines of your pickup trucks at me, exceeding the speed limit by 20 mph or more, or attempting to simulate humping my bumper with your bumper. I will believe in your prowess without demonstrations. You win, I lose, okay? Now go home and give yourself and the pickup both cold showers if that's what it takes.


Dear Madame:

I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was imperative for you to go over 80 mph with your small children bouncing around the backseat. I thought that 75 would do for less than half a mile while I passed the gentleman in the Winnebago. Please accept my apologies for detaining you for those 20 extremely crucial seconds, and I hope your throat is not sore from all the yelling.


Dear Fish-Bumper Christians:

You know that bumper sticker that says, "Jesus loves you, but the rest of us think you're a jerk"? Yah. That.

If you're going to advertise Christ on your chrome, for His sake please stop cutting me off at 75 mph with 2 inches to spare. As much as you want me to know that you love Him, please schedule face-to-face meetings with Him on your own time and let me do the same.


Dear pigs:

I know it's not your fault, and you would probably prefer not to be taken to slaughter if you could express a preference. Still: you stink. You make me ill. In both cases literally. Get off the road.


Dear Omahan:

"Freedom through military victory" has to be one of the scariest bumper stickers I have ever seen in my life. You know the song? Really, all I am saying is give peace a chance. Not indefinitely, necessarily. Just...y' maybe a first option? "Freedom through political and economic measures and only military victory if necessary," maybe? "Freedom through working out sensible alternatives together whenever possible"? I realize that I am a long-haired hippie weirdo-freak* for mentioning this, but dead people are not notoriously free, so maybe something else for a starter might be nice.


*Singin' Writin' Weirdo-Freak, actually.
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