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Marissa Lingen

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State of the Mris Report [Jun. 16th, 2010|03:18 pm]
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I have alluded previously to the fact that we are trying a different treatment for This Stupid Vertigo Nonsense.

I guess what I want to say here is that it is being kind of hard right now, and if I don't get back to you in a timely fashion about something or if I don't pick up on cues you would usually expect me to, please note that my processor power is going to fighting nausea and discomfort a lot at the moment, and pain somewhat. I had gotten to the point in dealing with the vertigo where I was fairly familiar with what it was throwing at me. It was by no means easy or convenient, but it was familiar. This is some new stuff and not as familiar. (The nausea is not new. But the levels of it are new.) It's physically and emotionally wearing. I'm finding it harder to keep up with stuff. I'm finding it harder to let myself make minor mistakes. I'm appreciating gentleness from people when you-all can spare it.

If you're wondering whether I've described the new treatment in detail and you've missed it, the answer is that I haven't. There is only so much in the way of Helpful Suggestion I can deal with at the moment, and one of the ways I'm limiting that is by limiting the amount of detail I'm putting out there. Also, and quite frankly, I am really bored of talking about it. You can only repeat, "This is what we're trying and how it's working and NO that isn't a good option for me and YES we've thought of that and YES we tried that already and NO it didn't work and YES that other thing is still on the list but it's further down the list than what we're doing now for the following reasons so maybe in July if this isn't working by then and thank you but that doesn't apply to me at all and NO that's something else entirely" so many times while trying to get your head and your hands to stop hurting before you break down and Do Something Drastic.

There are things I can do now that I couldn't do two months ago, and on the other hand there are things that are much harder than they were two months ago. So. We are, to take a page from Real Genius, cha-cha'ing.

On Sunday, porphyrin said, "Bad day?", and I took breath to start minimizing, and then I stopped and took another breath and said, "Yes." Because I realized that she wasn't asking, "Can you find absolutely nothing redeeming about this day? Are you slagging on all the nice things that have happened today? Do you have no appreciation whatsoever for the pleasant breakfast conversation you and timprov had in the early morning, the quiet midmorning you had, and the lovely date you and markgritter had at the Count Basie Orchestra concert in the afternoon? Are you, in fact, completely insensible to the pleasures of your substantially pleasant life?" No. She was asking, "Friend whom I love, is today physically difficult?" And it was. It really was. And it was okay for me to say so.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: swan_tower
2010-06-16 08:23 pm (UTC)

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It is absolutely okay for you to say so. Bad days happen, and we will not think less of you for acknowledging them.

I hope the new treatment does good things for you.
[User Picture]From: marydell
2010-06-16 08:27 pm (UTC)

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Ah, stupid vertigo indeed. I hope the new thing becomes easier as you move forward with it.

*hugs* if you want them.
[User Picture]From: rmnilsson
2010-06-16 08:47 pm (UTC)

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I'm sorry that things have been hard lately, and understand the lack of detail, so as to avoid the inevitable advice.
[User Picture]From: catherineldf
2010-06-16 08:47 pm (UTC)

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Sending a virtual hug and best wishes for good things in the very near future.
[User Picture]From: truepenny
2010-06-16 08:52 pm (UTC)

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Nausea is just draining, all out of proportion to what it seems like it should be. I know this from experience, and I know how much it sucks to be dealing with it chronically. Which is just to say, basically, many hugs and much moral support for this direction.
[User Picture]From: txanne
2010-06-16 08:53 pm (UTC)

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I make squinty eyes at the Universe and its unfairness. You know that if it's not better next week (next week! eeeee!), I'll gladly be a minion, should you need one. And if you're not up to socializing, well, there's always next year.
[User Picture]From: mrissa
2010-06-16 08:54 pm (UTC)

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I appreciate the sentiment, but there is not, in fact, always next year. Time is finite and opportunities are limited. I may have to adjourn back to my hotel room more frequently, prevail upon friends to fetch hot water and keep ginger tea bags in my purse, and so on, but I will be at 4th St.
[User Picture]From: txanne
2010-06-16 09:03 pm (UTC)

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I have locally-grown ginger stems in my freezer; shall I bring them for you? I can't promise they're organic, but they were frozen within hours of being harvested.

And, now that you mention it, I see why "next year" might not be your coping strategy of choice. Sorry about that.
[User Picture]From: mrissa
2010-06-16 09:23 pm (UTC)

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I'm not upset with you for saying it. I'm just pretty focused on this year as a coping strategy of choice!

I am not an all-organic eater, except in the sense that I try not to eat things that are composed entirely of borosilicates, and I am too much the chemist's daughter (mighty-sinewed chemist's daughter!) not to make that joke. So if you can spare some ginger stems, that would be much appreciated, thank you.
[User Picture]From: chinders
2010-06-16 08:58 pm (UTC)

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Tired cat sympathizes with you

Recognizing things that hurt doesn't mean denying the things that are lovely.

But seriously, may the vertigo go directly and unceremoniously to hell.

*offers hugs*
[User Picture]From: magentamn
2010-06-16 09:08 pm (UTC)

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Hopefully, different will work better. It really sucks that the vertigo is still a problem.
[User Picture]From: howl_at_the_sun
2010-06-16 09:21 pm (UTC)

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It's really nice to be able to acknowledge that a Thing Is Bad without having to say "but this was good!" The good things don't actually make the bad better, and sometimes I think there is confusion that they *should*. And, also, you're in my thoughts. I hope you find the gentleness you need with yourself as well as with other people.
[User Picture]From: mrissa
2010-06-16 09:23 pm (UTC)

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Sometimes gentle with oneself is the hard bit.
[User Picture]From: howl_at_the_sun
2010-06-16 09:44 pm (UTC)

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Yes, and yes, and yes.
[User Picture]From: haddayr
2010-06-16 10:18 pm (UTC)

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There is only so much in the way of Helpful Suggestion I can deal with at the moment, and one of the ways I'm limiting that is by limiting the amount of detail I'm putting out there. Also, and quite frankly, I am really bored of talking about it.

You are brilliant.
[User Picture]From: writingortyping
2010-06-16 10:18 pm (UTC)

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That last paragraph was so wise. I feel the need to put it on a tee shirt. Or tattoo it on my forehead. Or something. Anyway. As usual, I am in awe (the good, familiar kind - not the bowing reverently, distance-creating kind) of your clarity.
[User Picture]From: p_j_cleary
2010-06-16 10:20 pm (UTC)

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Nothing of note to say except that I really, really hope that something can make things better for you.
[User Picture]From: alecaustin
2010-06-16 10:56 pm (UTC)

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Writing this from work, so I will limit myself to saying "Bah."

BAH.
From: thoughtdancer
2010-06-16 11:20 pm (UTC)

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Smart friends here. ;-)

[User Picture]From: redbird
2010-06-16 11:21 pm (UTC)

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Be gentle to yourself, and I will try to do the same.
[User Picture]From: buymeaclue
2010-06-17 12:05 am (UTC)

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Thank you for these. I wonder/worry, but don't want to make you keep repeating yourself, indeed. So thank you.
[User Picture]From: cathshaffer
2010-06-17 12:17 am (UTC)

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Yarg. I hope you have better days soon.
[User Picture]From: matociquala
2010-06-17 12:45 am (UTC)

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<3 to you and Porphyrin both.
[User Picture]From: dormouse_in_tea
2010-06-17 12:53 am (UTC)

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This post really brought to the forefront of my attention that I couldn't offer any stupid helpful commentary if I wanted to, since I don't have any idea how vertigo is treated.

So I googled 'vertigo treatment'.

The second sponsored link was for a drug that cures vertigo guaranteed.

I took one look at that, had my brain explode, watched myself think quite calmly "oh, so THAT'S why mrissa doesn't post more details" and backed away.

OOOOOOOIG.

Meanwhile, I hope that as the treatment progresses there is improvement.
[User Picture]From: mrissa
2010-06-17 02:48 am (UTC)

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Yah. Guaranteed cure. Exactly.

I posted something on Facebook once that indicated something about the vertigo obliquely. Person I had just come into contact with after lo these many moons (like, decade and a half) of no contact asked what was up, and I said I had vertigo problems, and she blithely informed me that I should go to my doctor and ask for [drug], because [drug] fixed vertigo.

I had been given that very same drug more than two years before she told me of its wondrous curative properties, and it made me sleepy and otherwise did diddly squat for me. So you can imagine how heartened I was by the entirely new word of its existence.

And the thing is, I know she didn't mean to come charging in two years into a major health problem, assume that I had not consulted medical help, and recommend something that had not worked for me two years previous. But she didn't know. And unless I am to provide a full and annotated medical chart in every single casual conversation--because people will forget details between conversations--and stand over their shoulders and point out key words and numbers to make sure there is no skimming or misapprehension--it is going to happen that way. Not because people are mean or rude. Because they are nice and want to help. And I don't want to get mad at people for being nice and wanting to help. So I just try to short-circuit the bit where they think that they're going to be able to.
[User Picture]From: dormouse_in_tea
2010-06-17 02:50 am (UTC)

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Yes, I agree that this is a most excellent and sensible plan.

Really, it's my personal habit to never offer medical advice to anyone on LJ (especially, I don't make a habit of it in general unless I have X too, and then it's more a bitch-session than advice, per se...). Because if they're on LJ I assume they can dam' well use google themownselves.
[User Picture]From: reveritas
2010-06-17 01:37 am (UTC)

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Bleck. Blargh. Blerkch.


Um, I hope that didn't make you queasy but that's how I feel about it.

There are puppies.
[User Picture]From: mrissa
2010-06-17 02:49 am (UTC)

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There are.

And mine is being a very fine puppy at her grandmonkeys' house where she is not dancing on my queasy belly, and that is good, too.
[User Picture]From: athenais
2010-06-17 09:18 am (UTC)

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Sigh for life being difficult. Nod of agreement on allowing oneself to simply acknowledge it when it's true. Waving of hands to indicate appreciation for the update.
[User Picture]From: papersky
2010-06-17 11:56 am (UTC)

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Pity the limpet didn't work.
[User Picture]From: mrissa
2010-06-17 11:57 am (UTC)

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It is still the very finest limpet, though, and I keep it on my desk still.
[User Picture]From: mamapduck
2010-06-17 01:55 pm (UTC)

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I'm considering writing myself a note and pinning it to my chest.

"Please excuse Susie from _____________. She has a bad case of House Burned Down. Also, her Giveadamn seems to be busted. She will return to caring in a few days/weeks/probably never."

Want one for yourself?

I have given myself permission to not be 100% fine right now. You should too. I hope your new thing works out or leads to something that does.
[User Picture]From: mrissa
2010-06-17 05:14 pm (UTC)

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I think some of my near and dear have considered hiring Mafia hitmen to bust my Giveadamn.